Hi Reader,
Have you ever given feedback to someone (or received it yourself), only to find defensiveness on the other end?
You know the response. The explanation. The justification. The “yeah, but…” that shuts down the entire conversation before it even starts. It’s frustrating, right? Especially when you’re just trying to help or spent a lot of time preparing for the conversation because you wanted it to land just right.
Here’s what I’ve learned working with athletes and coaches (and mentees and trainees!) over the years: defensiveness is often a coping strategy designed for ego protection.
When someone perceives feedback as a threat to their competence or identity, their brain tend to go into defense mode. This is especially true for perfectionists and high achievers who’ve spent their whole lives equating mistakes with failure.
For them, your well-intentioned coaching cue may not land as helpful information. Rather, it may land as personal criticism. And when that happens? The walls go up. They don’t want to be in the wrong or have made any mistakes because those situations fuel a sense of shame. To avoid that feeling of shame, they talk themselves through the situation to justify why they did something a certain way.
Why This Matters for Coaches (and Athletes)
Research shows that athletes who feel psychologically safe are more receptive to feedback, more willing to take risks, and ultimately perform better. But when feedback feels like an attack (even if it’s not meant that way), it doesn’t matter how good your advice is, because it won’t get through to them.
So how do we fix this? There are a few strategies to try, though I certainly can’t make any guarantees (having tried these myself):
- Build trust outside of correction. Make it a point to notice effort, progress, and strengths regularly.
- Change up how you deliver feedback. Instead of telling athletes what they did wrong, invite them into problem-solving.
- Ask permission before offering feedback. A simple “Can I share something I noticed?” or “Are you open to feedback on that?” gives people agency in the moment.
- Make it safe to be wrong. Repeatedly communicate that mistakes are information, not evidence of inadequacy.
Want the full breakdown? I dive deeper into these strategies, plus how to handle persistent defensiveness and get curious about the root cause, in this week’s blog post.
👉 Read the full post: How to Coach Defensive Athletes
💓 HRV & Biofeedback Training
As you also probably know (because I can’t stop talking about it), I recently finished an intensive 2-week training in Boston in Biofeedback and Heart Rate Variability (HRV) Training. For those who aren’t familiar, HRV measures the variation in time between heartbeats and gives us an inside look into nervous system regulation, stress response, and recovery capacity.
The implications for sport psychology work are huge…like MIND BLOWING. We can now teach athletes concrete, measurable skills to regulate their nervous system, which is especially helpful for performance anxiety, injury recovery, and navigating high-pressure moments. It’s like strength training for your nervous system!
And guess what? We recently purchased all the equipment to start doing this in-house. Don’t ask my Director of Operations how she feels about this, and don’t ask me how expensive this stuff was. One of the benefits of me being the boss is that I make the rules here 😂. Because this is my newfound obsession, I’m currently undergoing certification.
If you’re interested in learning more, head to our new landing page where we explain how it works. We’re slowly rolling out biofeedback and HRV Training as a new service at Skadi, so feel free to schedule a free consult if you want to get in on the action. Note that it’s best to do this in person, though we can adapt and do remote work for folks who are determined to give it a shot.
📅 Ready to Work with Us This Fall?
As we head into late summer and fall, Avery and Laurie are both accepting new clients for mental health therapy and/or performance coaching. If you’ve been thinking about getting support for the upcoming season, whether that’s managing anxiety, building confidence, navigating injury recovery, or developing mental skills, now’s a great time to reach out.
👉 Schedule a free consultation call to see if working with our team is the right fit for you.
🎙️ This Week on the Feisty Women’s Performance Podcast…
Dr. Emily Matheson helps us understand why women athletes have to build resilience to overcome systemic barriers men never face. The conversation was a really thoughtful one that reframes adversity as a catalyst for growth.
🎧Listen now on Apple Podcasts or Spotify!
That's all for this month! Thanks for being here and for doing the hard, important work by showing up for yourself and your athletes.
Til next time,
Dr. A
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